Asia: The Trilogy is Complete

As much as I want to move/report/teach in Southeast Asia, I know it’s not going to be a blissful paradise free of worry, hassle and stress. Most of the time it will be the opposite. There are a number of things that will piss me off or make me homesick. Here are just a few of them.

1. I’m going to be a hairy beast. Being white with blonde hair and blue eyes has a lot of advantages (especially when out in da club), but in general, my height makes me a freak, my body hair makes me a monster and no matter how thin I am I will likely be considered fat compared to the locals.

As I’ve already learned, being the center of attention is fun for a while but it quickly grows old. There are times I just want to blend in and be ignored and that could never happen. My unique features also make me a target. If I’m walking anywhere, taxi drivers will hassle me. If I’m perusing a market, I will be hollered at and given a huge mark-up on anything I want to buy. Even the aggressive hookers are annoying.

2. I’m not sure where I want to live most, but if it’s in a city then the pollution will most likely be vile. Bangkok was in a perpetual haze that put Los Angeles to shame. Bottled water is a must. God save the poor children who swim in the rivers around there. The monstrous monitor lizards are reason enough not to dive in, but the gross amount of pollution also seals the deal. There are beautiful blue skies and undeveloped beaches to be had throughout Asia. The odds of finding a job near such things are unlikely.

3. I think I’d be a good teacher and I really enjoy kids, but from what I read a lot of schools are absolutely hellish. Spoiled rich kids don’t listen to anything. Students are expected by administrators and their paying parents to receive passing marks regardless of how they act in class. There are good batches of kids, no doubt, but the constant battle for order seems like it can be tiresome. This coupled with the hassles I might get outside of the class room isn’t too appealing.

4. I would miss my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins and, of course, my friends. I know my best friends would come visit me. My parents conceivably could do the same. If my brother moves to China as he intends to do we could meet halfway (maybe trek through Tiger Leaping Gorge in southern China or some surfing in Vietnam). Such moments would be rare. They might not happen at all. I will be a stranger in a strange land and that can be pretty depressing since I love my family so much.

5. This one is obvious and expected, but the language barrier will be tough. Since my Ultimate Goal in Life © is to be a worldly international reporter, this can be problematic. As I learned in Poland, spending a lot of time in rural areas where English is rarely spoken is a sure-fire recipe for isolation. Any translators out there?

6. I’ll definitely miss some foods because no matter where you go outside of America it’s hard to find a perfect hamburger. This isn’t a huge problem, but the other piece of Americana I’ll miss is football. Satellite TV makes it possible for a couple games to be aired no matter where you are, but it’s not just watching the Giants that I love/hate so dearly. It’s the lazy Sundays with friends where we chill out, drink beer and eat wings that I’ll miss the most. Watching games early Monday morning just isn’t the same experience. I found that out when I was in Thailand watching the Giants play (and lose) at 5 a.m.

So my life won’t be perfect. It will be fun, however. And sweaty.